We knew it was bound to happen sometime.
Heath's brand took him over.
Sully, Josh, Heath and I were having a fine time. We planned to eat some Max's Autodiner, which was recently renamed Max's Gyros and Burgers. Each of us would eat a Big Max with some greasy fries.
But before we could, we'd have to deal with Heath.
“I must destroy Cow Defender.”
With those words, we felt fairly sure that the Heath we knew would be gone for the next hour. When Heath did a spinning backhand to my ear I felt almost certain. Heath felt spinning martial arts moves were unnecessary.
“Ow.”
“I will destroy Cow Defender.”
He stated that as I shook my head, the backhand's impact hurt, as did the trapped air inside the ear. My head was turned to the side. Heath palmed the back of my head, and lead me face first into the metal support beam. My balance was screwed up from the earshot.
My nose provided no resistance in its futile attempt to take the hit for the rest of my face.
“Ow.”
My knees buckled and I leaned limply against the beam.
Sully and Josh moved to act.
Josh ran up the stairs.
Sully charged at Heath.
I leaned no longer and ungently made my way to the concrete floor.
Sully lunged, his entire body became an arrow tipped with a fist.
“If you want to hurt Cow Defender why are you attacking Steven?”
Heath grabbed the leading arm's wrist instead of answering. He stepped back and judo flipped Sully onto an unpacked box of toiletries. Plastic bottles of lotion and shampoo deformed under his weight. An old toothbrush broke in two.
I could hear him let out a quiet, jagged sigh.
I sprang up and started running up the stairs.
On the way up I ran into Condiment Man, who happened to be on the way down. I was a bit perplexed. I kept going. I bolted out the back door, looked around and became the man Heath sought. I became Cow Defender.
I ran down the steps.
On the way down I ran into Sully, who happened to be on the way up. He looked a bit perplexed. I kept going. I bolted into the main room of the basement.
“How did you know to be here Condiment Man?”
Condiment Man was on the ground, face down, pinned by Heath. Condiment Man's eyes darted around.
“Right there.”
I followed his line of sight and saw a long forgotten yellow bottle had been in crushed box Sully landed on. The bottle's mustard had mixed with blue, lidocaine-laced sunburn lotion.
“That's a waste.”
I conceded his point.
I tackled Heath, rather, I made the attempt.
My path was redirected through a $15 halogen lamp from Target. It folded around my collarbone. Heath's shifted weight allowed Condiment Man to escape.
As I attempted to join the ranks of the standing. Heath kicked the back of my left knee when my weight was mostly on it. I crumpled.
“Condiment Kick!”
Condiment Man's roundhouse was far more devastating with a heap of me so near Heath's legs. Heath could not maintain his balance.
As he began to tumble over me, I rolled with him. I hooked his left leg with my left arm and slightly wedged his khakis with my right hand. My weight on top of him, he was stacked on his shoulders. I recognized I'd just properly executed a pro-wrestling move: the school boy.
I didn't get to marvel long, as Heath was blessed with super strength. He kicked out. I took two steps back.
Condiment Man and I levied flurries of easily parried attacks. I got frustrated and threw an over-extended punch, which led me to my back with a pop of Heath's hips.
As my center of gravity was churned I saw a glint in CM's eyes, he saw an opportunity.
He deftly chopped Heath and stole his Soviet.
Heath looked blankly at Condiment Man's hand.
“Anything we can do with this?”
Condiment Man tipped his hand showing me a Hammer and Sickle Bic lighter. I shrugged, and felt unclear how karate chopping Heath turned up a lighter.
I stood quickly and locked Heath in a full-nelson.
He planted his feet on Condiment Man and rocketed us backwards into that support beam. A deep clink of my back on metal, but my hands remained locked.
Condiment Man stumbled backwards from the foot plant and tripped over a half-full laundry basket, and landed fairly hard on his rear. The lighter fell from his hand and slid a couple feet. It came to a stop at Sully's shoe. I looked up from the lighter to Sully.
He was holding a small knife, which was humming.
Sully charged and stabbed Heath repeatedly.
“Sully, what the hell?”
“Don't worry, it's designed to knock out.”
Then I realized I couldn't feel Heath struggling anymore. Then Sully accidentally stabbed me.
“Oh, God, I'm sorry.”
My grip was broken.
I murmured.
“We need to get to Max's.”
Condiment Man stood up, “I am needed elsewhere.”
I replied, “thanks, Condiment Man.”
He bolted up the stairs.
I stood and berated Sully for stabbing me.
“I can heal like Wolverine. I thought I should have blades, too. I saw this in the Sidekick Hut Employee Supply Book. I didn't really feel like breaking my hands in every fight.”
Josh came back.
“I know you're no super hero. What's Steven's excuse.”
Josh was about to say something, but I blurted.
“What do you mean?”
“Oh. Well Steven is a Mister. This is his basement. He ran away before you got here.”
I felt my face, there was the Cow Defender mask.
“Actually he brought me here. That is his super power. I showed up and told him to stay there. His ability to summon me can't help him in a fight.”
“Well he knows martial arts, he could've helped.”
“I'll think about that for next time. I'm off, I'll tell him all is clear. Other than stabbing me, fine work sidekick.”
Up the stairs.
Out the door.
Transform.
Back down.
“We have to get to Max's.”
“Maybe we'll see Cow Defender there,” Sully said.
I shot him a look.
“He said the same after I stabbed him.”
“Oh, then maybe.”
Max's would close in 20 minutes and we'd have to carry Heath. The walk normally takes 11 minutes.
Josh and I each got under an arm of Heath and carried him. On our way we prepared to cross 85th Street.
Off in the distance, for a moment, I thought I heard the phantom band. That thought was swept away when a jaywalker walked right in front of a Jeep Grand Cherokee. It slammed its breaks. The startled fellow attempted to high step out of the way.
He succeeded, narrowly.
I pointed and stupidly shouted “oh God!”
In so doing I dropped Heath.
We scooped him up and charged on.
We arrived at Max's 18 minutes after we started.
We were greeted with a sign which read:
Closing Hour Early
My Son's Birthday
I could taste defeat in my mouth. Twenty three minutes later taste was replaced by Chicken Lo Mein, then crab rangoon, from China Express.
Heath woke up and got himself a Coke.
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