Pam and I walked hand-in-hand around the Plaza.
Pam's eyes darted.
“Look at that!” She said.
“What am I looking at?”
“That woman's outfit.”
My eyes followed hers, but they were drawn not to the woman's outfit, but her flesh, her silver flesh.
Two silver skinned women dressed super chic.
They marched right through the glass doors of Tivol on the Country Club Plaza.
The store's alarms cried out into the night's sky.
Pam turned to me.
“Have you figured out what your Mister power is yet?”
“No.”
“Then stand back, I'll take care of this.”
She released my hand and reached into her bag.
She pulled out a pair of very genuine looking hair extensions. Her hands moved like those of an origami master's crafting a swan, but with hair.
Next she pulled out something that looked like a mask and pressed it to her face, then peeled it off. It left behind elaborate eye make up and cheek accents.
Next some lip gloss.
I heard more breaking inside the jewelry store.
Pam finished by handing me her beloved coat, the one her sister got her from Ireland.
She handed me the purse and the coat.
“Won't you get cold?”
She smiled big and kissed me.
She stepped back, extended her open hand, palm up.
There appeared this galaxy's smallest star.
I'd remembered hearing of the super heroine, the Little Ball of Sunshine, the papers called her LBS.
She was one of the heroes of North KC and she just happened to be my girlfriend.
She charged into battle.
I ran off.
A man wearing a Chief's coat walked to me.
“Spare some change?”
“I'll give you a dollar if you hold this for me.”
“I can do that.”
I handed the kindly man a dollar, Pam's coat and her purse.
I ran to Valencia Plaza parking, my most favored of all Plaza parking structures. Empty, save for cars. I became Cow Defender and headed to Tivol.
When I arrived I discovered the silver women and LBS were fighting in the street. Before entering the fray I was struck by Pam's grace. That and her height. She'd shrunk a bit.
She shoved the ball of star at one of the silver ladies, who dodged. The other was circling behind Pam.
I hollered their way.
“Put down the jewels silver ladies!”
They turned and looked at me, so did Pam.
“We are the Isacupa Drays, and this is ours now. We're going to make a third member out of this!”
Pam replied, too.
“Cow Defender? That sure is random.”
“No, I was walking around the Plaza...”
By this time I'd closed the gap.
The Dray with the smart skirt swiped at my chest. I pivoted and her pointy fingers cut into my shoulder. Although only superficial a few beads of blood arrived and stained my costume.
“Ow.”
Then a punch. Square on my sternum.
“You aren't solid metal at all! That would have hurt.”
I reeled back for a strike, but remembered I couldn't. Those cheek bones. Waist. Hips. Jawline. What just struck me was still a woman, and I couldn't hit her.
I looked to see how LBS was faring.
Little Ball of Sunshine had gotten her scorching sphere close enough to burn holes in that Dray's sensible pant suit. She clutched Pam's wrist tensing her entire body to not allow the orb direct contact with her silver skin. So, she was winning.
I stepped back, narrowly avoiding a swipe to the face.
There was something I could do with women.
Wrestle.
I close the distance, captured one of her arms against her body for a bear hug and I lifted her feet off the ground.
I popped my hips and drove her back-first into concrete.
I pinned her, holding her by her wrists, my weight on her stomach.
“Do you have something to do with Magnet Girl?”
The Dray looked up at me with anger in her not-silver eyes.
“No, silver is non-ferrous!”
Then a voice from behind me, it was Pam.
“I'm not sure that's true.”
I looked over my shoulder and the Dray beneath me demonstrated extreme leg strength and rolled me off of her, and she acquired the top.
She began raining punches down at my head and face.
Many landed.
“Ow.”
More landed.
“Ow.”
My hands sought her face to push her away from me. My arms were longer than hers.
My left hand found her face and it did push back.
She shrieked.
I quickly realized my middle finger had discovered her non-silver, but quite normal eye.
I stood up.
“Here let me take a look at that.”
I laid my hand on her shoulder to turn her towards me.
“Don't touch me!”
I complied.
I turned and saw the bags of jewelry. I picked them up and found the indigent from earlier.
“I'll give you a dollar if you hold onto these until the police show up. Then just give them to the police.”
“Sure thing.”
I handed him my last crisp one.
A scream.
I ran, full of concern.
It was alleviated when I arrived back at the scene.
LBS had gotten the flames near enough the pant suited Dray to melt some of the silver away.
Normal skin.
“Okay! I give up.”
“Yeah, let's get out of here.” Said the skirted Dray. Still nursing her eye.
The pant suited Dray pushed away from LBS and the two marched away.
I shouted after them.
“Sorry again about the eye!”
She left without letting me know it'd be ok.
“Is that how you South KC heroes do things?”
“What do you mean?”
“You just let them get away like that?”
“Eh, they went empty handed.”
Pam looked appalled, she let out a gentle scoff.
She gestured towards Tivol.
“Property damage.”
“I typically do more than that, people don't think I'm a bad guy.”
“Fine, well I'm moving to the South, and I'm going to bring North-style with me. Up there we hold the criminals until the police take them away.”
I thought about that then nodded.
“We probably could use that down here.”
She threw up her hands.
“I don't have time for this. I have to find my boyfriend.”
“How tall are you?”
“What? Four foot seven, I can shrink. Bye.”
She marched off.
I dashed to Valencia, changed to Steven.
“There you are!”
I was a bit startled.
“I know that this is your favorite place on the Plaza.”
What had she seen?
I turned to meet her.
She was still all heroed up.
“What happened?” She asked while examining my shoulder.
“Ah! My blood stained my shirt!”
“Who did this to you?”
I didn't know what to say. So I said the following.
“A hobo!”
“And he took my stuff!?”
Oh no.
“Don't worry, Steven, I'll get it back!”
“But...”
“Don't worry, I'm a superhero.”
With that she was off.
I was too, but she found him first then found me.
“I took care of him, he also ran off with the jewels.”
She proudly showed me the bags, full of gems and gold. She kissed me.
“I've got to wait for the police and deal with some paper work. I'll see you tomorrow.”
“Is the hobo ok?”
“What is with you South KC folk and the well being of criminals? Yes, he's fine. And don't you tell anyone about my secret identity. Only you and my sister know.”
I smiled and hugged her.
I kissed her goodnight and we parted ways for the night.
I found the kindly keeper of goods.
“Sorry, I didn't know that would happen.”
I treated him to some McDougle's on the Plaza and headed home.
Some questions pressed upon me.
I felt bad knowing Pam's secret without showing her my own.
I only knew one hero that might know.
Well, only one that I knew hot to summon easily.
I unlocked the back door.
I dumped some baking soda in a cup.
I removed a fresh mustard bottle from my basement's mini-fridge. I twisted its top and sat down.
I became Cow Defender.
I pointed the mustard bottle at the Baking Soda and squeezed so gently, ensuring that none would come out and I waited.
Then he arrived.
to listen to the following conversation click here
"Cow Defender why are you wasting those condiments?"
"Oh, oh, no, no, no, I'm just trying to get you here."
"Yeah, yeah sure you were."
"No, no, I just needed to talk to you about something."
"Alright, but first, put, put the mustard down. Actually give them to me. Give it to me, then we'll talk"
"I just need to talk."
I handed him the bottle of mustard, releasing pressure from its side and the room in general.
"Alright, now that the mustard is safe, go ahead."
"Well, earlier tonight I had a secret identity problem. I've been seeing this girl, and she has super powers, too. She let me see her super hero, who she is, so now I know her super hero identity. But the battle was looking fierce. So I thought that , as Cow Defender needed to show up. I didn't let her know that I was Cow Defender. So I ran off and became Cow Defender. And I started to battle."
"Yeah."
"It just bothers me because it seems that relationships should be founded on trust."
"Alright."
"And I'm kind starting this without telling her this thing."
"Right."
"But pretty much no one knows my secret identity. And I was just wondering, like, no one knows who you are. So you've been keeping your secret identity for a long time. You've been doing hero stuff for like 10 years now."
"Well you know, I've got, I've got Adam, he knows my secret identity."
"Okay."
"And of course Alfredo, he knows it, too. But my parents don't know. My wife doesn't even know."
"You've got a wife?"
He scoffed.
"Of course I do! But yeah, she doesn't need to know, why would she need to know for? I've got all my stuff down with Alfredo. She doesn't ask about him. So, you know, it's never really come up."
"It's never come up? So you just dash off and do hero things, and she's never been curious about where you've gone?"
"She's never brought it up to me, no. She's never said anything to me. And I know that she hasn't asked Alfredo because Alfredo would never ever say something to her about that."
"Alfredo is your butler, right?"
"That's right."
"And he's your butler for both Condiment Man and who you normally are?"
"No, no. He's just Condiment Man's butler."
"I was thinking that probably should have raised your wife's suspicion by now."
"Well, he roams around in the garage.” He shook his head and corrected himself. “In the Condiment Cave, not the garage, at all."
"And it's put no strain on your relationship at all?"
"No, none whatsoever. She just sees Alfredo there and goes about her business."
"Huh. Well would you be upset if you found out that she's been a super hero?"
"No, I wouldn't at all. If she wants to be a superhero then that is what she wants to do."
"Huh, so maybe keeping the secret is just fine. Because your relationship has been fine. Does it matter that you were moonlighting as a superhero all this time?"
"No, never really come up. There have been a couple of times that she was kind of upset when I had to dash off. But you know, she just thinks I'm in the bathroom, when actually I'm out saving a condiment or battling the waster, you know."
"Hm. Well I guess I could keep the secret then. I just feel weird because, you know, she's already shown me her secret identity. I just don't feel confident doing that, not at this point in this relationship. Thanks Condiment Man, I guess I think that's all I really needed. I guess if I ever feel that it needs to come up, then it'll come up. But, obviously, a relationship can work without knowing what kind of super hero you really are."
"Yeah, yeah, it's worked fine for me and my wife. It'll probably work well for you as well."
"One last thing?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I have my mustard back?"
"Hmm."
"You can put it in the fridge yourself if you'd like."
"Hmm."
"But, that drop, that drop's about to come out."
"No its not, no its not, I have it perfectly balanced."
"Okay."
"It'll be alright. How bout this, you've wasted condiments in the past. If you need them. I'll bring them to you."
"Well, thanks Condiment Man, for that and the other thing."
"No problem. I'll see you later."
"Probably."
He then ascended the stairs.
After he left I picked up the cup of baking soda.
Then he arrived.
“I am Baking Soda Man and I command you cease, you baking soda waster!”
“I was just going to flush it.”
“Oh, that is one of its many proper uses. Carry on citizen.”
And he was gone.